Truth From My Grieving Heart: I’m a Happy-Sad Person
Two weeks after my husband’s 60th birthday, he was diagnosed with malignant melanoma cancer. He would have been 63 years old today.
I’m okay and I’m not okay … and sometimes it’s okay to share this strange place to be.
Alan is doing great! He’s residing in the presence of the very God to whom I pray every day. Can you even imagine how great that is?
I’m left here, though, and it doesn’t feel great to be without him. This season wasn’t in our plans and now I’m left with unmet dreams. Sadness and loneliness are my companions. I’m brokenhearted, cut off from the man with whom I shared all of my adult life. Some days I just burst into tears without provocation. Other days it’s a miracle that anything gets done.
Yes, Lord, thank you for that miracle.
For me, grief is ever present but also unpredictable … like the waves of the sea, tossing and turning, rippling, but sometimes smooth.
And my brain?
In a fog … … or oatmeal … I think.
Clarity doesn’t come every day.
Flashing a smile for my ministry picture requires four seconds. The pictures are accurate … for that moment. We all can relate to that moment. But sometimes the other 23 hours and 56 seconds left in a day, aren’t as cheerful.
But then something truly amazing happens.
God shows up.
That might sound weird to you.
As a Christ-follower I learned to sense His presence—in my house, or on my porch, in my car, out shopping, or in church. He reminds me that He’s here with me … helping, holding, caring, leading, providing, healing, and even grieving with me. I also recognize His voice when He whispers to my heart and reminds me of His truth and His love.
He’s always present, but when I’m reading my Bible, He talks to me.
Jeremiah said, “Your words were found and I ate them, and Your words became a joy to me and the delight of my heart” (Jeremiah 15:16).
Me too!
I “eat up” God’s words and am spiritually and emotionally nourished. My sorrow turns to joy every time!
Listening to and singing praise music does the same thing.
I am comforted. Inspired. Empowered to take a step forward.
So although my life looks different now, I know that everything is in God’s perfect hands and that He has a great plan for me. And this makes me happy.
I’ve resumed my writing and my teaching. I’ve discovered that I’m happiest when I’m teaching from the Bible and sharing about the hope, encouragement, and joy that is available to all of us.
Everyone’s grief journey is different I’ve heard.
On my grief journey, my personal counselor, the Holy Spirit comforts me. My closest friends also allow me time to “talk it out” and express how I’m feeling. Most of the time this brings a flood of therapeutic tears and that’s okay. Some friends have brought me tangible items that remind me of God’s truth … especially His truth for a widow.
I’m learning. Oh yes, learning.
Seeing life and circumstances from a new perspective, is a good lesson. I am learning to help others on their grief journey, too.
Calling oneself a happy-sad person is an oxymoron, I know.
But that’s truth from my heart … I think.
The picture on the left is my husband, July 1984 when he was 25 years old. I had just graduated college. On this day we went hiking and I was in love with his strong biceps!
The picture on the right is a few days before he passed away. He kept his strong protective arm–those biceps– around me until death.
The Conversation
Oh Debbie, this is such a beautiful tribute to Alan and your sweet relationship! I am so very sorry and I am praying for strength for you and your family! I love you!
I love you Joan! I feel your prayers. You’re still my cheerleader. 🙂
A beautiful love story that will resume in Heaven one glorious day. Alan was your rock – and you His. Prayers for you and your children to have comfort this day and each passing day.
Happy Heavenly birthday, Alan. ( He is sorely missed. )
Love you friend.
Gloria… Gloria… you have been a faithful friend for 25 years and faithfully walked through cancer WITH us. He is sorely missed indeed. Love you forever, sister
Deborah,
For years I have often thought of what a great teacher you are. Your writings inspire me to be more closer to God. I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you days of joy as you minister to others in their own grief.
Love you,
Sandra M.
You have no idea how your words have touched me. I always wanted to be the best I could be no matter what I was doing… teaching especially. I wanted others to see Jesus and feel HIS love. Next spring I hope to be teaching a Bible study in Marion. I let you know and maybe you can come. I love you too Sandra… another one of my amazing McDowell FAVORITES!
Debbie, I am so sorry for your sad & lonely times. I am thankful for God bringing you joy. You’re an inspiration to me xoxoxo
Diane, You are a dear friend who watched us walk this difficult journey. Your prayers for me helped bring me joy. It’s a daily prayer… fresh every morning. I love you!
I love you precious friend.
Jan, my JJ. Perfect comment. I love you and Alan loves you for loving me.
And I love you! Thank you for reading. You were and continue to be an inspiration and support. You helped us soooo much!
Thanks,l can identify to all of that,but l can’t talk of it except to God,and Jesus hugs me my head on his breast he comforts me and grants me the GIFT ,of endurance.
I understand completely, Sheila. Like you, I feel His hugs too! Thank you for reading. 🙂
I totally relate with your situation only mine is a living grief and bereavement. My husband of 50 years, had a stroke in January 2005 resulting in brain injury. Long story so won’t go into all the details but he is now in a care home since September 2021, after I cared for him for 16 years with vascular dementia. We are both Christians but I sometimes find myself grieving for the life we should be living now. Your testimony above was a welcome sight to my eyes.
Oh I just got goose bumps reading your comment, Sylvia! It must be so hard for you. So many unmet dreams! Hearing you say that my “testimony was a welcome sight” turned sadness into joy. I didn’t want to waste any pain. Alan would be so happy too. I’m praying for you now. You are shining!
This gave me chills, touched my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing. You are such an inspiration to us all.
Grief isn’t easy by far , if given the opportunity our loved ones wouldn’t come back because they are with Jesus singing his praises, oh how beautiful that is to know. What a glorious day it will be when it is our time to meet them again. Sending lots of prayers to you my sweet friend. I love you.
Praise God, Caroline, He does bring hope and inspiration from sorrow and pain. I can it imagine it was hard for you to read and brought back a flood of emotions for you. God holds us both. 🙂
I love you. I don’t know what to say or even how to write what I would say… through the tears. Just—I love you.
Maureen, you said it perfectly. Just perfectly. I love you. 🙂
Dear Debbie,
I thank God for the special love you and Alan have shown me. I have loved you both dearly, but
I did not know how much, until Alan’s death, I would miss him. I pray to God to give you the
strength to find solace and happiness until you and Alan are joined again.
With Love,
Auntie Ann
Dearest Auntie Ann, You have known us for nearly 40 years. I know you miss him. He loved you so much! You have been a part of everything meaningful in our lives… children’s births, family funerals (his parents and mine) and it doesn’t seem real that he’s gone. Your prayers have sustained us. I love you with all my heart … forever.
For 2.5 years I saw how you and Alan fought this battle together. Your faith never wavered. And it hasn’t. Your faith has gotten stronger and deeper. God has pulled you close and snuggled you in His arms.
Your genuineness and vulnerability are beautiful! You have a gift of helping others see joy in the midst of your sorrow. The world isn’t the same without Alan (Mighty Dad 🙂 ) He is GREATLY missed! But I know he would be SO PROUD of YOU! He loved you fiercely! Always praying for you and your family. Love you!
Meg, I’m so thankful that you flew into y life at this time. Alan was right when he named you “Mighty Mouse.” Thank you for oyur love and prayers and support. I miss him terribly. God is my strength.
Debbie what a poignant blog on your feelings. My heart was touched. Love you sister. Keep shining!!! Diane F.
Dearest Diane, You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for reading and your kindness. I miss you!!!
I can relate so much…..Much love and my prayers for you my Precious Kindred Spirit!
Yes you can, Kaylynne. I’m grateful for your love and support on the journey. Alan loved your husband Mike for decades… best of friends. Give Mike my love. I know he misses him.